She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
