I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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