I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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