I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
