if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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