Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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