Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
