I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
