The best revenge is premature balding
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
