Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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