Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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