so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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