I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize