I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
