last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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