she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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