I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
