wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
They have beer where we have blood.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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