My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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