i wish my penis had a tongue
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
