He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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