I CAN MOONWALK!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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