i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
