I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
