I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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