it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Text me some of your sweat
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
