Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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