The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sorry my hands just texted you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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