It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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