My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize