i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
