I am midnight drunk by noon
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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