1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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