I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
