I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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