where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
