so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
