dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
