the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I met the friendliest cop last night
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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