Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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