I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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