she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
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