Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
