Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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