New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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