god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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