Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
