Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
