Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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