I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize