Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
