mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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