i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
