I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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