Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
