my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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