she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
