Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
