just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
