Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
