Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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