It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
