You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
